Looking at How We Look at Bodies
Body Image, just the two words throw me for a bit of a loop. Let me start by saying a few things: First, much of my views of body image come via listening to friends, girls I’ve coached, and former youth. This means that I am speaking third person regarding some specifics, so I’ll try to stick to my experiences and the broader societal things that seem to cross many of the stories I’ve been privileged to be part of. Secondly, I will probably focus the majority of this on Female body image, not because we guys don’t have pieces as well, but ours is less societal and less damaging overall. That being said, I do have body image issues. I no longer have ultra-defined calves or my dancer’s butt and my diabetes has left me a bit out of shape in my own mind. Finally, recognize that even if you agree to everything societal I present here, you really need to listen to the specific stories of those in your life and act to change the world based both on knowledge and empathy.
Back when I was a teen, I first heard the term Body-Shaming. It was in the church, and it was quickly dismissed by saying “God made me like this, and God doesn’t make mistakes.” I had always thought Shame was the worst feeling one could have, so people using bodies to shame others seemed very problematic. As usual, I started researching this idea and studies pointed to it being used in relation to diet fads and how it was connected to eating disorders in females. This led me to talk to my friends (at this time basically all female) who initially in group setting denied they ever felt this way personally. Yet, over the next couple of weeks they almost all came to me individually and in tear filled conversations. Each spoke of their struggles to look like someone else, or to be “beautiful,” or “attractive.” Looking back, I’ve realized they didn’t use words like hot or sexy or even “attractive to” someone, but more personal and abstract terms.
As I’ve spent more time looking at the issue of body image and listening to the stories of others, it has become clear that there are 3 pieces really at play with this in our culture. First is Shame, beginning with the feeling that one has failed herself or isn’t worthy of something she desires. Second is Competition, which often forms in how we not only view ourselves but how we compare ourselves to others. Finally there is Control, truly the core thing at play in how body image is used by our society. Shame and Competition are used to Control, not what one looks like, but rather control how she acts, and the choices she makes.
Shame as I said before has always been a bad word to me, it is something you just don’t want to feel. It is a way of letting yourself and others down, and to my perfectionist personality that is death. Yet, time and again, I see how people are controlled by their shame of their bodies. Women in particular are always given something to aim at, it may be an ideal female form, or it can be cased in images of body positivity that make one feel that they are not confident enough to be like those who are presented as being proud of their bodies. Shame though goes deeper than just a feeling. The shame of one’s own body can lead to illness and addiction. We often speak of eating disorders in respect to this issue, but I also have seen so many women’s self images (and guys too) attached to exercise and the goals that are purely physical that drive them such as trying to fit a certain body mold, or to lose ___ pounds, or to look more attractive to others. If this is why we are trying to be healthy it can lead to addictive or obsessive behaviors and disconnect us from a whole image of self. Instead we should see exercise as a way to center our whole being, feel more energized and positive, or connect more with our bodies. Rachel refers to her body as “her” and I think that is part of seeing her body as more than something that needs to fit some mold, but a part of the whole that is Rachel and a valued part that affects the other parts. Being healthy is not for others, or even made to accomplish our own goals, but because we are at our best when we are healthy, and that is more than numbers on scales or doctors charts. It is even more than making a healthy choice, because sometimes cake, wine, or a rich decadent dinner is healthier that one we would typically call healthy.
The fact that this is not a normal way to think about being healthy shows shame is a powerful tool. It can show up regarding what we eat, how we exercise, how we dress, or even how we carry ourselves. We have to realize that we live in a society that uses this shame to sell us things, to keep the goal just out of reach, and to make us (and particularly women) feel less than whole and thus unworthy of equal place with others. This control is powerful, powerful enough to keep us constantly uneasy about how we look, how we are perceived, and blaming ourselves for not being where we say we want to be.
This leads us to the more obvious issue, Competition. I heard a pastor once say “Men leave their competition on the field of battle, women are always fighting.” There are SO MANY issues with this quote, but the ONE I want to focus on here is the idea that women are always fighting, fighting over guys, fighting for a top spot, fighting to get the best dress on sale, the list goes on. The problem with this is that the competition here is fueled by the shame above. The idea that we cannot live up to expectations has gained traction in recent years with things like the photoshopping of models becoming more publically recognized. Yet even as we intellectually can name this, there continues to be plenty of places where we are asked to keep up with one another, to judge ourselves based on why we do not have what someone else does. As a friend of several female clergy, I often hear questions of “is it me or is it the job” when a guy doesn’t show interest or stops showing interest. This often sets up both an overcorrection of not discussing jobs and roles, but also one where I hear them asking lots more questions about their body and how they carry themselves. “Guys want to be the hero for their woman, and with this leadership role I look too strong” is a phrase I’ve heard a number of variations on over the years. This idea of how we carry ourselves is linked closely to body image. Can you be sensual and strong? Can you be confident and alluring? These false comparatives point back to competition, the goal of the body is to be attractive TO someone. Thus we all fall into a trap of wanting to win, to be seen, to be loved, and not for our whole selves, but for this one thing we are taught to compare continuously with others.
I hope you can already see how this competition of pitting women against each other, and shame pitting women against themselves are powerful tools of control. Yet, the thing is that the issues of body image are SO part of our society that even when we see what’s happening, we feel we have to play along. This is the big part for GUYS that we have to be aware of. It is really important to not only call out other guys who treat women like objects, but to also realize that we have to be allies and support when body image issues show up in those women who we are friends with and partners with. The male dominated society is constantly telling Women to look different, dress to impress, eat right and exercise more, and don’t forget that guys are interested in seeing only certain physical features and not others.
It is SO important to help those we care about answer why, to watch for warning signs, to encourage the women who you are close with to do what they feel like doing because they are important and you want them to be who they are no matter how they may be feeling in a moment. (Important to note, we as males do not get to say this to every female or even every female we feel close to, but only to those who have opened up to you and who have felt heard by you, and even then it’s the action of a friend who cares, not because you’re male, not in order to be a hero, not because you know what she is feeling, but because you can respond to the things you heard when you listened to a friend and build them up in that role) Listen for big picture things, to stories of wanting to be seen as “hot” but not objectified. Then when they ask, tell them to wear the swim suit they want instead of searching for one that “covers all the right places” and encourage body confidence by speaking to the wholeness of their being and not just their looks.
I have written this very much from my view as a man, and I know it’s incomplete. There are a number of other truths I’ve been told (i.e.-how spaces where women can be honest and vulnerable about these issues with each other are hard to find) and a number of other issues that we can talk about (i.e.-how sexuality and sensuality play into this), but those aren’t the point here. Here I want to make sure that we all recognize that issues of body image and the attached issues with health, exercise, eating, clothing, etc. can have such a negative impact of not only individuals we care about, but on the entire society we live in. Support each other, listen to each other, know that you are each beautiful and beloved.
Back when I was a teen, I first heard the term Body-Shaming. It was in the church, and it was quickly dismissed by saying “God made me like this, and God doesn’t make mistakes.” I had always thought Shame was the worst feeling one could have, so people using bodies to shame others seemed very problematic. As usual, I started researching this idea and studies pointed to it being used in relation to diet fads and how it was connected to eating disorders in females. This led me to talk to my friends (at this time basically all female) who initially in group setting denied they ever felt this way personally. Yet, over the next couple of weeks they almost all came to me individually and in tear filled conversations. Each spoke of their struggles to look like someone else, or to be “beautiful,” or “attractive.” Looking back, I’ve realized they didn’t use words like hot or sexy or even “attractive to” someone, but more personal and abstract terms.
As I’ve spent more time looking at the issue of body image and listening to the stories of others, it has become clear that there are 3 pieces really at play with this in our culture. First is Shame, beginning with the feeling that one has failed herself or isn’t worthy of something she desires. Second is Competition, which often forms in how we not only view ourselves but how we compare ourselves to others. Finally there is Control, truly the core thing at play in how body image is used by our society. Shame and Competition are used to Control, not what one looks like, but rather control how she acts, and the choices she makes.
Shame as I said before has always been a bad word to me, it is something you just don’t want to feel. It is a way of letting yourself and others down, and to my perfectionist personality that is death. Yet, time and again, I see how people are controlled by their shame of their bodies. Women in particular are always given something to aim at, it may be an ideal female form, or it can be cased in images of body positivity that make one feel that they are not confident enough to be like those who are presented as being proud of their bodies. Shame though goes deeper than just a feeling. The shame of one’s own body can lead to illness and addiction. We often speak of eating disorders in respect to this issue, but I also have seen so many women’s self images (and guys too) attached to exercise and the goals that are purely physical that drive them such as trying to fit a certain body mold, or to lose ___ pounds, or to look more attractive to others. If this is why we are trying to be healthy it can lead to addictive or obsessive behaviors and disconnect us from a whole image of self. Instead we should see exercise as a way to center our whole being, feel more energized and positive, or connect more with our bodies. Rachel refers to her body as “her” and I think that is part of seeing her body as more than something that needs to fit some mold, but a part of the whole that is Rachel and a valued part that affects the other parts. Being healthy is not for others, or even made to accomplish our own goals, but because we are at our best when we are healthy, and that is more than numbers on scales or doctors charts. It is even more than making a healthy choice, because sometimes cake, wine, or a rich decadent dinner is healthier that one we would typically call healthy.
The fact that this is not a normal way to think about being healthy shows shame is a powerful tool. It can show up regarding what we eat, how we exercise, how we dress, or even how we carry ourselves. We have to realize that we live in a society that uses this shame to sell us things, to keep the goal just out of reach, and to make us (and particularly women) feel less than whole and thus unworthy of equal place with others. This control is powerful, powerful enough to keep us constantly uneasy about how we look, how we are perceived, and blaming ourselves for not being where we say we want to be.
This leads us to the more obvious issue, Competition. I heard a pastor once say “Men leave their competition on the field of battle, women are always fighting.” There are SO MANY issues with this quote, but the ONE I want to focus on here is the idea that women are always fighting, fighting over guys, fighting for a top spot, fighting to get the best dress on sale, the list goes on. The problem with this is that the competition here is fueled by the shame above. The idea that we cannot live up to expectations has gained traction in recent years with things like the photoshopping of models becoming more publically recognized. Yet even as we intellectually can name this, there continues to be plenty of places where we are asked to keep up with one another, to judge ourselves based on why we do not have what someone else does. As a friend of several female clergy, I often hear questions of “is it me or is it the job” when a guy doesn’t show interest or stops showing interest. This often sets up both an overcorrection of not discussing jobs and roles, but also one where I hear them asking lots more questions about their body and how they carry themselves. “Guys want to be the hero for their woman, and with this leadership role I look too strong” is a phrase I’ve heard a number of variations on over the years. This idea of how we carry ourselves is linked closely to body image. Can you be sensual and strong? Can you be confident and alluring? These false comparatives point back to competition, the goal of the body is to be attractive TO someone. Thus we all fall into a trap of wanting to win, to be seen, to be loved, and not for our whole selves, but for this one thing we are taught to compare continuously with others.
I hope you can already see how this competition of pitting women against each other, and shame pitting women against themselves are powerful tools of control. Yet, the thing is that the issues of body image are SO part of our society that even when we see what’s happening, we feel we have to play along. This is the big part for GUYS that we have to be aware of. It is really important to not only call out other guys who treat women like objects, but to also realize that we have to be allies and support when body image issues show up in those women who we are friends with and partners with. The male dominated society is constantly telling Women to look different, dress to impress, eat right and exercise more, and don’t forget that guys are interested in seeing only certain physical features and not others.
It is SO important to help those we care about answer why, to watch for warning signs, to encourage the women who you are close with to do what they feel like doing because they are important and you want them to be who they are no matter how they may be feeling in a moment. (Important to note, we as males do not get to say this to every female or even every female we feel close to, but only to those who have opened up to you and who have felt heard by you, and even then it’s the action of a friend who cares, not because you’re male, not in order to be a hero, not because you know what she is feeling, but because you can respond to the things you heard when you listened to a friend and build them up in that role) Listen for big picture things, to stories of wanting to be seen as “hot” but not objectified. Then when they ask, tell them to wear the swim suit they want instead of searching for one that “covers all the right places” and encourage body confidence by speaking to the wholeness of their being and not just their looks.
I have written this very much from my view as a man, and I know it’s incomplete. There are a number of other truths I’ve been told (i.e.-how spaces where women can be honest and vulnerable about these issues with each other are hard to find) and a number of other issues that we can talk about (i.e.-how sexuality and sensuality play into this), but those aren’t the point here. Here I want to make sure that we all recognize that issues of body image and the attached issues with health, exercise, eating, clothing, etc. can have such a negative impact of not only individuals we care about, but on the entire society we live in. Support each other, listen to each other, know that you are each beautiful and beloved.
Check out Rachel on body image in her blog: my relationship with Her: lessons from my body as well!
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